Broken Pieces

I sit amidst the noise of a college coffee shop, and with my feet propped up on the chair across from me I lean back leisurely in this relaxed environment. Silence is unheard of in such a place and I am truly bombarded with sounds from every direction. The voices of students and professors bantering about group projects, studying Spanish vocabulary, and discussing the latest world catastrophes are all mingling with the sounds of grinding coffee beans and sudden outbursts of laughter. These noises create a musical tapestry which illustrates what life is like here. I sit here, and yet I am not here. A part of me is –yes- but not all of me. In the midst of this cacophony of overwhelming stimuli my mind has travelled to another place. As I sit here among my peers, I feel quite unconnected and even solitary. I just watched a close friend of mine walk away; walk away toward something unexpected, hurtful, and life altering. Walk away for perhaps the last time –ever. He walked away from me like others have done before, but as he walked away I felt the piece of my heart that he carries with him grow evermore distant. I could almost make out the thin line tying the empty crevice within myself to that piece of my heart he holds as the line stretched, bent, and was pulled further away from its original home. At that moment I realized something; I realized that I have thin -almost too thin to be any more than imagined- lines connecting pieces of my heart to their broken places within my chest. I could feel, all the more keenly at that moment, how bits of my heart had been torn out and handed to so many places and people in the world. I could feel where I had timidly handed a part of myself to a person, or a group of people, in my life, and I knew in that instant that my heart would only continue to be further pulled apart. I knew right then that I would never have all the pieces of my heart in one place again as long as I was on this earth. I discovered in that moment that I possess a broken heart. Yet, there is still one who can hold my heart. There is still one who deserves all of its broken pieces, and who asks for them. In return I ask Him –I plead with Him- to carry my heart even as it is dispersed around this big, blue marble we call “home.” I implore Him to fill all the empty spaces within me so that I never run out of heart to give, and that I am giving His heart along with mine. So, I sit here in this lighthearted –ha- atmosphere and soak in my surroundings. For you see, while I am here, I am not really here. My mind has travelled to a place far distant and I sit here among my peers feeling unconnected and solitary.

Your Eyes

Your eyes are speaking to me; speaking messages that belie the falsities in your words. Here you stand before me with a smile plastered across your face. Do you think I miss the frown in your eyes, the pain pouring through the mixed brown and green? “I see you,” I want to scream it! “I see the words your eyes are saying and I am ignoring the empty movements of your mouth. Don’t you know that I see you?” But no, your smile never slips an inch and your eyes never stop their pleading. If only...if only –what? If only you would be honest with me, with yourself? If only you would stop hiding and accept healing, accept truth? But, just as your lips are pouring out phrases of nothingness, so my words would fall on deaf ears. So I will sit here quietly -imploring you with messages in my own eyes; hoping that one day soon you will speak from your eyes rather than from your mouth.

And She Smiled

I walk this crowded street alone. The intensity of the Mexican sun warms my back and shoulders in a matter of seconds, and soon I am uncomfortably warm. I glance up at the sky and think to myself for the millionth time that somehow the sky is bluer here than it is at home: more piercing and perfect. A glance to my right takes in a woman sitting outside her chocolate store with a serious expression cloaking her face. I glance to my left to see three men talking softly as they sit outside a home; each one with hard angles and creases crossing his face and not a hint of merriment touching his lips. Another woman walks ahead of me carefully holding a baby in her arms so that the sun does not shine in his eyes, and she tightly holds hand of her small daughter who is quietly walking beside her. Suddenly three mangy dogs up on a roof begin to bark at our passing simply for the joy of making noise. At a glance behind me I swiftly move from the street to the sidewalk to let three students piled onto a single bicycle pass by. Every face I see holds a somber expression, a serious demeanor is held by all; but, as I walk by the woman selling chocolates I look her in the eye and say, “Buenos Dias” with a smile full across my face. Immediately her eyes light up, she nods in my direction as she returns my greeting, and then… she smiles. The change in her face is so dramatic that I am caught by the beauty of such a sudden smile. Creases that before showed a hard life now crinkle in the perfect places to reveal her true beauty. The little girl walking ahead of me looks back at the noise behind her and our eyes meet. I softly say, “Hola” and offer her a wave and another smile. At first she simply stares at me over her mother’s hand unsure. Then, she glances up at her mother’s face, and finally turns forward to face the street in front of her. One quick moment passes and something marvelous happens. This little child shyly turns back my way and offers me a small, bashful, beautiful smile. She smiled. She smiled at me. There are times when I watch a picture be taken here and I wonder why no one makes an effort to smile; times when I look through my own pictures and realize that only the Americans are smiling, and my heart misses the merriment of a simple smile. Then I have days when I walk down the street and everyone I greet gives a quick, simple, pure smile, and I am struck once more by the beauty of an unexpected smile. Occasionally I wonder if perhaps saving smiles makes them more special. I wonder if maybe I give mine away too often; maybe the Mexican way is better. Then, I realize that she smiled. She smiled at me when I smiled at her. My smile takes no effort –I am used to smiling when I see people- but this time my smile caused others to smile too. She smiled. She smiled at me.

Touching A Star

I touched a star today. Literally! I touched a star and I didn’t even know it at first. I hadn’t expected to touch one today, and it didn’t feel the way I had always imagined holding a star in my hand would feel…but it was wonderful nonetheless. I remember as a child being in awe of the stars so far above me, and how even when I reached as high as I could I never got close enough to touch one. I dreamt of dancing with one, taking in the brilliance of it –of the warmth those faraway lights must hold-- and today I touched one, and I didn’t even know it. I found myself at an orphanage across from the Bible College here in San Luis Potosi, Mexico. 20 or so children were running around of all different ages. A few were still in diapers while some of the older ones were verging on their teenage years. Kids were tugging on hands and spinning in swings. Some were running after a ball, and others were preparing to feed and milk the four cows. All at once I had a little girl asking me for a piggy back ride. Of course I obliged and found myself not a pig, but a horse galloping down the length of the barn. I spun around and continued on in the other direction. Her giggle was all the added energy I needed to run along. At the end of the hall, I stopped and spun her around in front of me. As I held her in my arms I realized I didn’t even know what her name was. I asked her, “Como te llamas?” and she replied softly, “Estrella.” I looked at her face joyfully smiling at me, and I realized that her name means star. I was holding a star in my arms like I had always dreamed of, and it was better than all of my imaginings could have been. It was impossible to not take in the brilliance of this beautiful child, the warmth of her laugh and smile. I danced with a star today, and my dream came true.